i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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