Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
