Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
