I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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