Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
