I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
