The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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