After last night, I could never be a politician.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
