..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
