he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
