those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
