I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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