Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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