why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
