Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
