You can't motorboat a personality
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i think i just lost a toe
These tits shall not be calmed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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