He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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