I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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