please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
