The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
