Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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