Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
nutella sex= disaster
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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