You smell like a Billy Joel song
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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