The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
