I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
