Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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