She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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