She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
