Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
