tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
