i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
