Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
