so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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