We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
