he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
