Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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