sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
