What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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