Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
