dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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