and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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