uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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