i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Come on in and take your pants off
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