Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
