I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
