I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
