I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
me + whiskey = a bad person
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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