im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
