last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
