I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
