I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
