Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still dying that you shit outside
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
